Clean by Amy Reed

Author:Amy Reed
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Publisher: Simon Pulse

DRUG & ALCOHOL HISTORY QUESTIONNAIRE

QUESTION #4:

Have you ever tried to stop or cut down on your own? What happened?

I made a schedule. I planned how many pills I would take each day. But I could never follow it for long. I always needed more.

I’ve never tried to quit. Why would I want to quit?

I told myself I wouldn’t drink until the weekend.

I said I’d take a break for a month.

I said I’d take a break for a week.

I said I’d take a break for two days.

I promised myself I wouldn’t get wasted.

I’d only have a couple drinks.

I wouldn’t lose control.

I woke up every morning and promised myself I wouldn’t smoke that day.

I didn’t want to quit. I just wanted to stop for a couple weeks so I could get my tolerance back.

I just wanted it to be like it was at the beginning.

What are you supposed to do when you forget what normal feels like?

Somehow those drinks always made it into my hand and into my mouth.

Somehow they kept coming and coming and there was nothing I could do about it.

I promised God this time would be the last time.

Imagine wanting something you hate.

God, what’s wrong with me?

I was able to quit for two weeks once, but it felt like torture.

It felt like I was holding my breath the whole time.

My hands were shaking.

I couldn’t sleep.

I couldn’t eat.

This isn’t normal.

This isn’t the way normal people live.

I tried to switch to beer. I thought it couldn’t get me into trouble. But I kept drinking until it did. I kept drinking until I didn’t care about the promise I’d made, and it wasn’t long until I was back to everything else, and it was even worse than before.

Normal people don’t need to get high every day.

Normal people can go a week without drinking.

Normal people can keep promises they make to themselves.

Imagine an obsession so strong you can’t think

about anything else.

Imagine starvation.

Now imagine something worse.

I can’t remember what it feels like to not need to drink.

I don’t know how many times I tried to control it. I told myself only on weekends, only at night, only at parties, never alone, never at school, never while babysitting, never while driving. I’d be able to do it for a while, but things would always fall apart.

I couldn’t do anything but sleep and eat.

You get to a certain point and it’s not you making the decisions anymore.

You get to a certain point and there’s no turning back.

I needed it to feel normal.

I had no choice.

I wanted to die.

I tried, but I just needed to make the pain stop.

It was the only thing that I knew would make the pain stop.

I always meant it. Every single time. I always planned to keep those promises.

You can only fail so many times.

I thought one beer couldn’t hurt. But that one beer turned to three, then five, then eight, then it was back to the coke, then I don’t remember.

I am not normal.

I will never be normal.

It’s like I’m possessed, like there’s this demon inside me and as soon as it gets a taste of what it wants, it takes over.

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